script MFYN | gemma ragués pujol

Script by Gemma Ragués, all rights reserved. Donations accepted by Paypal
with a modified sentence* by Kathy Acker from

Acker, Kathy. Blood and Guts in High School. UK: Penguin Random House, 2017. pag.58.
“Sometimes she hates him; sometimes she doesn’t think he exists; sometimes she likes him; sometimes she depends on him”

* * *

[Ben]

- Hi dear, I am on the train. It’s delayed and I won’t make it to your wedding. I am terribly sorry.

[Voice Mail]

Message from your neighbor. Listen or delete?

[Gemma]

- Listen

[Voice Mail]

Message from your neighbor.

This is a message from your neighbor. Message from your neighbor.
Listen or delete?

[Gemma]

- Listen

[Ben]

- Hi dear, I spent all day on the train. It’s so loud in here. It is like a school bus!

Listen, the train is a little bit delayed and I won’t make it to your wedding. I am so terribly sorry. But have a good party, ok?

[Voice Mail]

Message from your neighbor.
Message from your neighbor.
This is a message from your neighbor.
Your neighbor won’t come to your wedding. Do you still want to listen or delete?

[Gemma]

- Listen

[Ben]

- Hi dear, I am stuck on a train.

- Hi dear,

[Gemma]

- Why would my neighbor not make it to the wedding? He doesn’t need to take any train, right?

[Ben]

- The train is cancelled.

...
- Well, actually there has been a terrible delay and I am stuck on it. It was supposed to go to Basel but now I see it won’t stop there.

- Hey, I won’t make it to the wedding.
- I am so terribly sorry, you cannot imagine. I just cried before calling you.

- But, let’s meet next week in the corridor, shall we?

[Voice Mail]

Message from your neighbor.
Message.
Your neighbor won’t come to your wedding.
Do you still want to listen or delete?
Still want to listen or delete?
Listen? Listen? Listen? Listen? Listen?

Still want to listen?

[Gemma]

- I don’t know...

[Voice Mail]

If you want to listen dial 1, if you want to delete dial 2, if you want to translate, dial 3:

[Gemma]

- 3, translate

[Daniil]

- Я бы хотел, чтобы она не приглашала меня на свою свадьбу

[Gemma]

- 3, translate

[Hannah]

- Sie ist so eine gute Nachbarin, ich hab das Gefühl, ich muss hin.

[Paula] Ich ha das Jahr au no überhaupt nüt für d Gmeinschaft gmacht.

[Hannah] und sie ist au no die Präsidentin.
[Nora] I ha scho au z Gfüehl ich muess ga

[Gemma]

- 3, translate

[Maria]

- Ojalá no me hubiera invitado a su boda. ¿De verdad vais a ir?

[Gemma]

- Què dius?

[Ben]

- She said you are such a good good neighbor.

[Paula] A good good neighbor
[Ben] so kind, so sweet-hearted,
[Paula] a good good neighbor!

[Ben] And! : what a great idea you had to celebrate it in the backyard. We would all love to join.

[Gemma]

- That’s so sweet. I really cannot wait. There will be cake!

[Ben]

- However, (points Laura) she doesn’t know if she wants to attend.

[Laura] Moi? Non, j’ai pas vraiment dit ça.
[Maria] Entonces, qué has dicho?
[Laura] J’ai rien dit, justement.

[Gemma]

Tell me if you can make it!

[Nora] Tu n’oses pas!
[Laura] Je ne sais pas. C’est tout. Je ne sais pas si j’y viens. N’inventes pas!

[Nora] Tu n’oses pas, tu viens de me dire que
[Laura] Je n’ose pas

[Gemma] There will be cake!
Chocolate cake, plum cake, Christmas cake! Apfelstrudel. Apfelstrudel with vanilla sauce, vanilla sauce in a bowl. Apfelstrudel with and without vanilla sauce. With or without?

Do you like Apfelstrudel?

[Voice Mail] Listen or delete?

[Gemma] With some vanilla sauce perhaps?

[Voice Mail]

Delete? Listen or listen or delete?

Listen or repeat?

[Gemma] Repeat

[Voice Mail] If you want to repeat dial 4

[Gemma] 4, repeat

[ALL] (Starting at slight different times)
- Hi dear, I am on the train. It’s delayed and I won’t make it to your wedding. I am terribly sorry.
- Hi dear, I am on the train. It’s delayed and I won’t make it to your wedding. I am terribly sorry.

- Hi dear, I am on the train. It’s delayed and I won’t make it to your wedding. I am terribly sorry.

(They keep repeating.

When Gemma starts speaking everyone else's mics are cut but they continue talking so the talking stays in the background)

(Gemma takes a letter out of an envelope. Stands up and reads it to them while they are still on the Hi dear loop)

Dear neighbors,
Allow me to introduce myself as the President of the community
(for those of you who weren’t aware)
but, above all, I speak to you as your neighbor and very close friend.

For over 10 years, we have been sharing these walls

[Hanna, interrupts] and dealt with 2 robberies, 23 elevator breakdowns and 104 hot water failures??,

[Gemma, continues]

but mostly, we enjoyed each others company in the corridor, laundry room
and backyard. And, by the way, what a beautiful backyard we have.

As the President, neighbor, but most of all, as your very close friend,

it is a pleasure to announce to you that my wedding will take place

December 1st in the backyard (if you would agree).
You will be my guests of honor.

Greetings,

Your President, neighbor and beyond all, your very close friend

[Voice Mail]

This is a message from your neighbor.

Repeat, reply or delete?

[Ben] Reply
Hey Gemma! Wow! Congratulations. Amazing. Just fantastic!
I am so happy for you.
And, what a great idea you had to celebrate it in the backyard.

We all wanna come.

[Gemma]

That’s so sweet. I really cannot wait. There will be cake!

[Ben] However, (points Laura) she doesn’t know if she wants to attend.

[Laura] Moi? Non, j’ai pas vraiment dit ça...
[Maria] Entonces, qué has dicho?
[Laura] J’ai rien dit, justement.

[Gemma] Tell me if you can make it!

[Hannah] Tu n’oses pas!
[Laura] Je ne sais pas. C’est ça. Je ne sais pas si j’y viens. N’inventes pas!
[Hannah] Tu n’oses pas, tu viens de me dire que
[Laura] Je viens de te dire que le jardin communautaire est voilà, de la communauté. Et comme communauté on doit décider de manière communautaire ce qu’on fait au jardin. En commun.

[Gemma] There will be cake!
Chocolate cake, plum cake, Christmas cake! Apfelstrudel. Apfelstrudel with Vanilla sauce, Vanilla sauce in a bowl. Apfelstrudel with and without Vanilla sauce. With or without? With or without?

Do you like Apfelstrudel?
The real secret for a good Apfelstrudel is:

(waits)

Ha! You would like me to tell you, right?
All right, I only tell you because YOU are my neighbors:

The REAL secret for a good Apfelstrudel is:

(waits a little more)

What do YOU think it is? (points Paula)

[Paula] Isch es dr Ofe? Sinds d Öpfel? Isch es ds Backpulver? Oder doch d Liebi? Ich liebe din Öpfelstrudel.
[Ben] She dislikes your strudel.
[Paula] Nein, das han ich nie gseit.

[Gemma] What did you say?

(Ben) She said she really dislikes your strudel. She hates it.

(Nora) She even threw up after eating it.
(Hannah) I also saw you, throwing up, in the backyard garden.

(Paula) It was the vanilla sauce, not the Apfelstrudel

[Voice Mail]

This is a message from your neighbor

Your neighbor dislikes vanilla sauce

[Gemma]

Dear neighbors,
As your President and very close friend I want to inform you that the Apfelstrudel won’t have any vanilla sauce.
Would you like some cream with it?
Who would like some cream with it?

Dear close friends,
Hi?
Please, write me back;
about the vanilla cream and about the wedding.

The wedding is tomorrow!

Dear neighbors and guests of honor,
As your very close friend I need to inform you that my oven broke down.

Could I bake in one of your ovens?
Dear friends,
My oven,
Dear guests,
My oven broke down!
Hi dear honor guests,
Can I bake at your place?

Hey!!

[Ben] Hey Gemma! I am on the train.

Did you find an oven that works?

[Gemma]

Dear honor guest,

No.

Are you there?

[Nora] He is never there. Today there was a neighbor’s meeting and he is not there.

[Ben] Was it today?
[Laura] Ouai. C’était today, pour parler du wedding au jardin. T’arrives quand?

[Nora] He is in the train.

[Ben] I am in the rain.
[Maria] Why are you in the rain?

[Ben] The train was in the rain and now the train is delayed because of the rain. Now I am stuck on the train and it was supposed to go to Basel but now I see it won’t stop there.
[Maria] Is her wedding today?
[Laura] Today we had a meeting, in the garden.

[Nora] The garden is booked for the wedding.

[Laura] First there’s the meeting.
[Jan] Meeting in the rain?
[Fabio] Meeting in the train.

[Laura] No. Meeting in the garden, not in the train.
[Hannah] She threw up there, the other day. I’m not meeting in the garden. (

[Paula] Because I puked? Does it disgust you?
[Hannah] YES
[Paula] It was the vanilla sauce, not the Apfelstrudel
[Maria] Exacto. Not the Apfelstrudel,
[Daniil] The Apfelstrudel is good.
[Maria] Hey! But Gemma needs an oven to bake it. But I am also on the train.

[Nora] Was that train not cancelled?
[Daniil] Oh I want to join you on the train.
[Laura] All right, let’s do the meeting in the train.

[Gemma] WHO IS AT HOME AND HAS AN OVEN?!

[All] We are all in the train!

[Gemma]

Dear neighbors and guests of honor,
What do you mean by “we are in the train”?
Dear close dear,
The wedding is today!
Dear,
Close friends,
Where should I bake the Apfelstrudel?
My oven broke down.
Dear,
Honor guests,
I hate you.
I cannot bake the Apfelstrudel in the train.
Are you there?
Dear neighbors,
Sometimes I hate you, sometimes I don’t think you exist, sometimes I really do like you, sometimes I depend on you*.

Dear neighbors,
You really are my dear close friends and honor guests. No one else will be coming to my wedding.
Close dear friends you are my dear honor guests,
xx

Are you there?

(long pause)

[Voice Mail]

No message
No message from your neighbors.

No message

(after a while)

[Voice Mail] Message from your neighbor

[Ben, from far]

- Hi dear, I am on the train. It’s delayed and I won’t make it to your wedding. I am terribly sorry

[Voice Mail]

This is a message from your neighbor.

Message:
Your neighbors won’t come to your wedding.

If you want to cancel your wedding dial 5,
if you want to insist dial 6
if you would like to invite other people dial 7

[Gemma]

7. (asks the audience) Do you like Apfelstrudel?

* * *